My Fear of Imperfection
Is anyone else afraid of doing something imperfectly?
I know I can’t be the only one. The idea of doing something perfectly is embedded in our culture. At least in school, it was reinforced to a point where doing something wrong was crippling.
School’s focus on perfect completion and compliance is disingenuous to the wider learning process. My experience with learning since graduation has been a series of false starts and failures. The failures have gradually moved me closer to my goals.
I still struggle with learning fully because of my fear of imperfection. My inability to start learning another language is the epitome of how this fear can interfere with your life. I don’t want to look like an idiot and I feel like if I don’t know the language well, then I’m wasting my partner’s time. Unfortunately, the only way to learn is to blunder through the language.
Blundering through something until you start to grasp it is a part of the learning process for almost any skill imaginable. If you’re afraid of looking flawed like I am, then acquiring new skills or taking risks is difficult.
How I Developed My Fear
School can be traumatizing for many reasons. Unfortunately, many people experience some form of verbal abuse from their peers. The abuse is more likely to be targeted at people who others feel they best another in some arbitrary way.
This was certainly my experience. When it came to athletics, I was pretty hopeless. Aside from my lack of physical health, I’m just clumsy. I found it's hard to play soccer when most of the time you’re tripping over air. The strikers tend to stride over your body as they try to score.
Like most people, I eventually started to find my strengths. I was great at compliance and obedience, otherwise known as getting good grades. Although this is slowly changing, schools still reward the most obedient cog who executes their job as expected.
I learned to execute this to the T.
In school, your job is to “absorb” information, learn the format of various exams, and then regurgitate flawlessly. If you’re able to complete this fairly straightforward series of tasks, you receive a letter mark of an “A.”
The adults and other misguided peers tend to approve of you a bit more after this. Eventually, I became “that smart kid.” Because I didn’t have self-confidence or anything else that defined me, this identity trapped me.
I recognized the education game early and capitalized on it. The system was easy enough to follow and rewarded my compliance with more of what I wanted.
Being the smart kid can come with some benefits. Usually, people will come to you for help with their homework/assignments/exams. In exchange, you’re usually left to your own devices.
I was constantly the target of other people’s criticisms and mockery prior to my new identity. The constant mockery meant I hated to be seen. Even now, I want to just put my head down and go home. I don’t like attention on other people’s terms. In fact, I hate that kind of attention.
You may be thinking that since I’m writing on a public platform I’m a hypocrite. Clearly, I want some kind of attention. Unlike my time in school, this is attention on my terms.
Why it isn’t Beneficial
I developed an unhealthy obsession with perfection to maintain my smart-kid status. Performing flawlessly soon became the expectation and norm. Anything else was meet with disapproval from my peers, the adults around me, and from myself.
The praise I received from peers and other adults was meant to be encouraging. Many of them believed, like I did, that this was the path forward for prosperity and success. If I kept up this pace, I’d be able to escape my hometown and get a good job.
Life has a funny way of constantly knocking you on your ass, just to see if you’re still willing to fight. I would say I succeeded fairly well in the pipeline of academia. I managed a high GPA in college, earned more praise and accolades, and eventually found a “prestigious” entry-level job.
Just as I found some societally acceptable success, I was the most unhappy. At this point, I realized something. The game I played in school was a false game. It left me in bad shape for the game of life. I also realized I fell victim to other people’s expectations.
Unlike with school, the ability to fail better and consistently is a pre-requisite for most people’s dreams. Automation is making most jobs schools previously trained you for redundant. Previously good jobs which rewarded conformity and precision are quickly becoming replaced.
Robots are much better at doing what they’re told without complaint. Further, they don’t need to be fed, go to the bathroom, or take breaks. As long as their hardware and software are maintained, they can do mundane tasks almost indefinitely.
In a competition of compliance, the robot will win against you hands down. Robots can also perform the same task repeatedly with virtually the same level of precision. If the robot doesn’t beat you in compliance, it certainly will bet you in being consistently flawless.
We were told being compliant and flawless were the best way to ensure success. Instead, we were taught a belief, which left unchecked, could cripple our future success.
How I’m Combatting My Fear of Imperfection
My time on Medium is both fun and a protest against my old way of thinking. Although I try to make my work as high of quality as I can, I know it’s not perfect. I invariably err, find typos, and discover better, more concise ways I could have made my point.
Discovering my errors doesn’t feel good. I cringe each time I find them in my older writing. My inner perfectionist uses the errors as another example of why I shouldn’t be writing. It tells me that my work is trash, will never get better, and will never be of use to anyone.
To hell with that.
I’m human and part of the deal is imperfection. Obviously, I want to produce the best piece I can; but, I can’t let perfect stand in the way of good enough. Forcing myself to write consistently is the start to combatting the asshole that is my inner perfectionist.
Accepting imperfection lets me claim back time lost fruitlessly pursuing perfection. I want to use this reclaimed time to start a personal project. The one I have in mind is a blog about my journey as an emerging young adult. I plan to document my experience and advice from blundering through experiences I wish someone had told me about prior.
This project will force me to confront my fear of imperfection front and center. Not only will I be highlighting my short-comings as learning moments, but I will be making another imperfect project in the process.
In closing, doing things despite the fear of making mistakes is vital. I’m slowly building systems which will encourage me to do just that.
Summary
Many of us went through a school system forced to teach compliance and obedience. A by-product of that training is the obsession with perfection.
This year, I want to dedicate myself to doing things in spite of my fear of making mistakes. I’ll become better in the process and hopefully be better able to serve my friends, family, and community as a result.
