Writing is War: My Journey to Discover and Overcome My Internal Resistance
Writing has become a safe haven for me.
After a long day of work, I look forward to editing an article and writing 1 or 2 more. Being fortunate enough to go home and write lets me get through my workday. Despite my love of writing, the first 10 minutes after I sit to write feel torturous.
If you believe, as I did, in the passion hypothesis, then my hesitation would suggest writing isn’t for me. Writing should be energizing all the time, no exceptions! If not, I clearly need to find something else because heaven forbid I feel anything but happy.
Sarcasm aside, the worldview of having to always be passionate is problematic. As Mark Manson masterfully articulates in Screw Finding Your Passion, all things have some element of suck.
“There’s no such thing as some passionate activity that you will never get tired of, never get stressed over, never complain about. It doesn’t exist.”
-Mark Manson
Instead, we should find the thing that we genuinely enjoy most of the time and are willing to endure the sucky bits to get to do more of. After I switched to this philosophy, I started to find more joy while writing.
The golden days are when words flow quickly and effortlessly. These days are unicorns, which I stumble upon once in a blue moon.
Most days, finding the words I want is a struggle. For the first 10–30 minutes, I’m barely able to form half-baked sentences. Fortunately, there’s a magic in sitting down to work. After I get out of my head and into the work, a rhythm sets in and words slowly trickle out.
In these moments of struggle, I’d much rather listen to music and mindlessly watch YouTube videos. Although it’d momentarily feel good, I’d feel worse in the long-run. Once the video faded in the background my momentary bliss would be replaced with dread.
I’ve decided I want to live a life of fulfillment. Pursuing fulfillment often means eschewing short-term pleasure for long-term results.
Over time, as I’ve made writing a habit after dinner, sitting down to get started has become easier. Even with the habit on my side, the first 200 words usually feel like a herculean task.
It’s also important to note this habit was only formed through a couple of months of forcing myself to write, even when I’d rather do anything else. While forming my writing habit, I’ve found whenever I feel resistance one of three factors is at play.
Fear
Fear is every creative’s mortal enemy. It’s the guy in the back, always ready and willing to pounce on you. For me, fear manifests as a feeling of being overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed for two distinct reasons.
A flood of writing ideas seems like a blessing until it’s not. If I get too many good ideas I often get stuck in analysis paralysis. There are so many ideas I’d love to write about, but I can’t decide which I want to pay attention to first.
When I confront a torrent of ideas I have a two-step approach. Firstly, I remind myself to be grateful for the influx of ideas. Idea generation is a difficult process for me, thus an abundance of ideas is a welcome change. Secondly, I force myself to pick one and notate the others for later writing.
Usually, after walking through these two steps I’m able to sit down and begin to write.
A more common reason I’m overwhelmed by writing is when I feel like I have no ideas I want to write about. Even with my pre-started ideas, I just can’t find the words or coherent story flow. This is an ironic and anxiety-inducing problem for someone who calls themselves a writer.
I’ve found the best way to attack my rising anxiety about writing is to just start writing about anything.
To prioritize taking action, I’ve slowly developed a three-step process which helps me get my anxiety under control and writing again. First, I allow myself to write a stream of consciousness about whatever I want. By writing with no restrictions, I get used to writing words again, even if they aren’t coherent.
An added bonus of this method is that I can usually find an overarching topic in my stream of consciousness. This then forms the basis for the article I’m going to write that day.
Once I have an idea of what I’m going to write about, I start bashing on the keyboard. Literally bashing, incoherent streams of letters, characters, and whatever else my keyboard can produce. This act is very tactile, which serves to further ground me.
I’m a simple man who likes to occasionally channel his more primal nature. The sensation of hitting keys and the resulting clacking is soothing to me.
After entertaining my more primal impulse, I’ve been brought back to the present. At this point, I’ll browse the internet for 20 minutes. If an article idea is fully formed I’ll research related articles. If the idea is baking or stalling, then I’ll surf randomly. While randomly surfing, I’m hoping I’ll find a novel combination of ideas.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, there’s an underlying fear of not being good enough. I’m afraid what I’ll have to say is valueless. Although I write for me, when I publish I hope to help someone else. My fear causes me to be a harsh critic.
Sometimes, this inner critic is good. It forces me to seriously evaluate whether if I’m writing for my ego or for the benefit of the reader. Both are fine, it’s just important to know which one I’m doing so I know if this is a piece worthy of publishing.
Fear can be a good thing. It evolved as a way to keep us safe. Unfortunately, because its mandate is to keep us safe, fear can be inhibiting. Pushing through fear often promises great rewards for those who do so with care and due respect.
Lack of an Immediate Reward
When fear isn’t hijacking my brain, I’m often seeking some form of instant gratification. Like most people, I love my short-term rewards and value them over longer-term goals.
On any given day the rewards of writing can feel insignificant. Yeah, maybe I’ll get a small boost in esteem following completion of this draft, but Alec Steele just posted a new video I’d love to watch.
In the long-term, if I write instead of giving into the short-term temptations, I’ll be better off. Unfortunately, short-term temptations are powerful. Just because writing is the better choice for me overall, it’s not the easier or more appealing choice. For better or worse, we usually think with our emotions.
Because of how our brains are structured, emotions are often the strongest drivers of decision making. What this means is that “I don’t feel like it” is a powerful sentiment. Although we can override emotion with logic, that takes a considerable amount of effort and resources.
Combine this truth with the fact that our brains are designed to conserve energy and you have a recipe for disaster. Since there isn’t a short-term reward our brain is less likely to fire the required neurotransmitters to incentivize us to take action.
Instead, our brain is more likely to throw out stop signs. The thing which would be better for us in the long-run is worse for us in the short run, thus we no likey.
When I encounter this type of resistance I often resort to bribery. I promise myself that after 25 minutes I can give myself a small snack, usually of the cheesy variety. This tends to work as I love food, especially cheese.
I often don’t want to stop after that 25 minutes. I’m enjoying the task of writing/editing so much that I’d rather just keep going. I successfully tricked myself into work and didn’t get 1% fatter by eating too much dairy, score!
Exhaustion
Sometimes, my resistance to writing after work is because I’m spent. Whether I had a long day at work filled with meetings, neglected my sleep, or used all my mental energy on a big project.
In all these cases it makes sense that my mental resources would be tapped and I’d have resistance to doing another mentally demanding task.
Exhaustion can also stem from the spirit. Writing is a liberating, energizing experience for me almost always, but sometimes it feels like a prison. Especially now that I’m on a regimented cycle, sometimes writing is just another thing I need to do because.
In fairness, this is life in a nutshell. Sometimes, there are things we have to do just because. Obviously, I don’t actually have to write outside of work. There isn’t someone holding a gun to my head and my family won’t suffer I stop this hobby.
However, I feel like I’ve committed to this through my calendar and conversations with my friends, so in that sense, I have to commit.
Thankfully, I’ve discovered keeping myself well feed and well rested tends to thwart exhaustions attempts to derail my writing routine. Unlike with the other two causes, which I have to be reactive to, I can be proactive in preventing exhaustion’s ability to induce resistance.
My Process for Battling Resistance
Check in with Me
When I feel particularly strong resistance I take a moment to observe how I’m feeling physically. It’s important to figure out how we feel physically because our bodies and minds are deeply interconnected.
For me, whenever I’m mentally feeling resistance I’m usually exhausted
Exhaustion can either be physical or mental. If it’s physical exhaustion I take 15 minutes to close my eyes and listen to music I like. I’m not going to magically solve my likely sleep deprivation by doing this; however, I often come out of this session feeling refreshed and ready to tackle some writing.
An important caveat to this is if the physical exhaustion is widespread or has a general achy feeling. In either of these cases, my body is trying to communicate that I’m on the verge of illness.
Since I’ve learned my own bodies cues more, I’ll take this type of physical exhaustion as an indicator I need to take it easy. I don’t abandon my writing practice in this case, but I do reduce the requirements. I lower my requirement from 1,000 words to 500 words on whatever I want.
This compromise lets me maintain the writing habit, but doesn’t overexert me. I care more about keeping the habit alive than I do about producing a perfect piece on any singular day.
The second type of exhaustion is mental. Sometimes, I’ve had a really shitty day at work. I either didn’t get much traction on a project, or everything that could go wrong seemed to. Even if work went well, some days are all consuming.
If I sit down to write and I realize I have strong mental exhaustion I let myself watch YouTube for 30 minutes before I force myself to come back to write. Usually, this purposeful distraction does the trick. The distraction allows me to dissociate from work and my energy returns enough to write my 1000 word quota.
Set a Timer/Clear Stop Point
If I’m feeling okay health-wise, sometimes 1,000 words feel like too much. In this case, I change my intention from “I need to write 1,000 words” to “I need to only focus on my writing for the next 20 minutes.” Creating a Pomodoro session for my writing does two key things.
Firstly, it gets me some of that coveted and required ass-in-seat time. 20 minutes is far less intimidating than 1,000 words, so I usually calm down enough to write with little issue. The second reason is that shifting the goal gives me a clear out.
Not hitting 1,000 words its okay because I still sat down for 20 minutes and wrote. This rarely happens though. After sitting down for the first 20 minutes I almost always want to keep going once I hit a grove and words start flowing out.
Breaking down a seemingly monstrous task into a manageable bite-sized chunk allows me to get over my resistance more easily. I’m also much more likely to do the task, continuing the habit, and fueling my success for the coming days.
Reframe my Why
Sometimes, I just want to know why I’m writing a particular piece. Resistance is sometimes a clear sign that my motivating factor, or purpose for writing, isn’t clear. To add some confusion, there are two different places where the purpose of my writing can be murky.
The first place the purpose can be unclear is the act of writing as a whole. There are days where I question why I write at all. I don’t have a massive following which I can influence, my prose is often ineffective, and YouTube is tempting.
Then I remember why I first started writing on Medium. To have fun, help me form my understanding of the world, and hopefully as an accidental by-product deliver value to others who stumble upon my writing.
Recalling my initial drive to write for Medium and myself makes this crisis clear-up. At this point, I can usually return to writing with little resistance as I’m at peace with my actions.
The other way my motivation for writing can be unclear is for a particular article. Writing is an exploratory process for me. It’s how I try to make sense of the information I hear, read, and encounter.
Consequently, my first drafts are often super messy. They meander, roam to Mars and back, and sometimes diverge to another topic entirely. Although I try to write and edit separately, sometimes my “editor brain” flips on.
My internal editor sees the mess of a draft, throws a fit, flips the table, and starts walking home.
Once this happens I start to question why I’m even trying to finish that particular article. Sometimes, this is valuable. It makes me realize that the piece I was writing will be thrown into the scrap heap of other half-baked ideas or is for my eyes only. One of my more popular articles was actually entirely revised into a better product as a consequence of an internal hissy fit.
There are also times where I’ll answer the why question with “because I want to” and the resistance will fade. In any of the three outcomes I listed, my resistance to writing will then dissipate because I re-established the purpose of that particular article.
Discipline Equals Freedom
Thank you, Jocko for this amazingly empowering phrase. On the surface, it seems to be a contradiction. How can you be free and disciplined at the same time? Isn’t discipline the antithesis of freedom?
Fortunately, the answer is no. Although in any given moment your discipline may restrict your options, you purposefully choose certain actions which are in alignment with your long-term aims.
By channeling the mantra of discipline equals freedom, you’re freeing yourself from the tyranny of the instant gratification monkey. You instead give the agency to your rational decision maker who can navigate the ship. The bonus here is that you don’t even have to rely upon the fear monster.
Discipline gives your rational decision maker the power to throw the monkey overboard without you having to get close to an impending deadline. This is especially powerful in the case of goals without due dates, like legacy projects, a fulfilled life, and so on. The fear monster cannot respond to those things easily.
For those unfamiliar, you should totally check out Tim Urban’s blog Wait But Why and the post about procrastination where I borrow his characters of the rational decision maker, fear monster, and instant gratification monkey from.
Wrapping Up
Resistance in any kind of work is inevitable. By design, our brains are constantly seeking ways to conserve energy and attention. If something isn’t sufficiently motivating and pressing, our brain is much more inclined to say no. It’s trying to keep us alive after all!
Experiencing resistance in something that you love can be particularly disheartening. We’re supposed to love it, so obviously we want to do that thing 24/7/365 right? Constantly loving what we do would be nice, but it isn’t how we’re wired.
Instead, we’re full of bugs like exhaustion, fear, feelings of inadequacy, and so on. These are the causes of resistance. We also value the present more than the future and are more inclined to do things that benefit us now instead of us 2 years or even 2 days from now.
Learning that resistance is natural for everyone is liberating. Instead of resistance marking that what we’re doing is the wrong thing, it is a challenge that can be overcome. If we put processes in place we can slowly beat back the demons of resistance whenever they emerge.
Our demons of fear, self-doubt, and exhaustion will never vanish. As a result, our resistance towards hard or scary things will follow us for the rest of our life. It’s our choice whether resistance is a stop sign or a hurdle to vault over.
